I am exhausted, and I need serenity.

" we are all friends, siape nak rampas kawan diorang ? kiteorang yang fun, sebab tu diorang pergi kat kite. kiteorang yang treat diorang memang as friends. mane ade rampas rampas kawan nie ? "

Sighs, too many things I need to say - Not saying them just to defend myself, neither to blame and find faults in others. Just some stuffs which I think is vital, for me to remind myself.

& Second most importantly, I don't want people to think that I am posting this just to vent my anger or pin pointing anyone or changing the mindset of people whom has taught that I have always been the bad one or whatever. These are just questions which lingers in my mind and something for me to read on later, and regret that this ever happened in my life.

I think Mai is not the problem.
Is it wrong for her to lend me ears, when I know you don't even wanna hear me complaining that I slept at five just talking with him ? Is it wrong for her to accept every flaws and faults of, not just me, but Arul too, and forget them, when I know you don't even want to compromise ? Is it wrong for her to just understand that I need Arul just like I need you, I care for him just like I care for you, when I know you don't even want to realise how much I drifted and argued with him because of you ? Is it wrong for her to comfort and console me when I know you don't even wanna know that I was greatly affected by what you considered him as and all ? So now, is Mai the problem ? Wasn't she just doing some favours, to a friend, from a friend ? So have I drifted from you because of her or him ? Or your own ignorance ?

But I have never ever said that I don't need you. & I have never asked for it.
You assumed things. And assuming is a bad exercise. Mark that. Right NBB ?

So now, is it wrong for me to say that Mai has always been here, right beside me and always standing by ? Same as Zuzu. The least she has done was to soothe my feelings and said that I've made the right choices and everything will be alright. The most important, she has been believing me more than anyone else. She trusts that I never said I wanna get back on you. She trusts that I have never been unfair to you.

And if you think Arul has been controlling my life without myself realising, no he has never.
Is he forbiding me from meeting you when he even cancelled our plans on 17th Jan when I decided to go out with you instead of him, when you even know what every 17 means to me ? Is he forbiding me from meeting you when he always asked me out on Sundays instead of Saturdays when he knows that Saturdays are our regular days ? Is he forbiding me from meeting you when he gave in knowing that he could not always be around me when you are there ? So is he controlling my life ?

Whatever with those people. I don't give a care if they think I'm at fault. Why are you so making a big fuss out of whose at fault and whom people think is at fault ? Its the fact that everyone can't deny, that you are superior of your ownself. You are the vain one, with utter vanity.

And I know everything involves the three of us. Not even my boyf has the right to draw in. He was just trying to advice me, not any other, and guide me. Unlike some. & Me, whole-heartedly, don't wan't to involve anybody else. But it seemed like, a lot of people have miraculously known about this, out of nowhere. And made things worse. So, what about it ?

& We are never unsatisfied with you. So, you don't have to be glad about it. And you don't have to build up your self-esteem by condemning others or calling people names, especially someone who was there listening to your wails and complaints, someone who was there to try to alleviate your grief when everybody else didn't even realise anything, someone who patted your back and took away all your worries, someone who bravely had approached you whenever you felt like every burden in this whole wide universe is resting on your shoulders and you needed to shout them off, and someone who had been so patient and followed your flow when it actually hurt her deeply inside.

I'm not saying this to make you cry infront of the screen and feel like you are the only being to be blamed, which obviously you won't feel so. But just this once, be appreciative, and let everything off. Go. If you think, it's better to avoid or leave or go or whatever you wanna call it, then, please, be it in a peaceful manner. I want peace, Mai wants too, even Zuzu does. & you too, (like duh, I've been hearing that alot). So, go with serene.

I'm still dissapointed. I've always looked up to you. You have been the sensible one. The responsible one. Maybe, you are tired of trying. & We are tired of giving in. I can't believe you've fallen for some mere influence. You have fallen. I understand.

I have never ever chosen Mai over you. And never have I chose you over Arul.

Thanks, Atai Bit ! The one I can look upon. Haha haha, you have given us so much strength, which made us even forget about everything. And Atai, thanks again, despite the problems you are facing yourself, (acap size-size, hea hea hea !), you are willing to bear the pain with us.

Zuzu, you are like the littlest sister to me, hahahaha. That is why, you even fear your littler sister. Cos you are the littlest, hee hee. Kay, it is right to be sad. But be strong too, at the same time. I know you dread these things. & I know, you actually thought, this thing will go the other way round, (as in you, not Mai). But yeah, just be patient. I know, its hard, isn't it ? Tapi takpe Zuzu, thank you for everything.

Mai, I wonder how you can be this strong ? You are like unaffected by everything. Cool Mai, cool. Me and Atai told you, you are oh so steely strong.

Arul, ♥, heee heee heee, NBB LOVE.

FINE, FINE, FINE!
hahha hehhe hahha hehhe.

P.S: it was like 4 years ago since i last debated, and it felt goood.

Shie and Laila, pft. What wrong I've done ? I am ever so sorry if I have never shared anything to you. I don't wanna be a burden. I just shared apart of my life with Mai. I am ever so sorry if I've changed in a way you could not accept my changes. But, my silence doesnt mean seperation for us. And if you say I say more things to Mai, its simply because you are aligned. She likes what I like, I hate what she hates. But I have always loved you both, too. Equally. And if you say I have been spending my time with Arul, and he was controlling me, sighs. If you think it is easy to love someone your bestfriend hates, then go ahead and try.